Dysfunctional Fairytales #5:RumpleStiltSkin
by Kurisuta R.L. NightHawk
Summary: This is simply a fairytale written from my point of view.Enjoy! [From the author who brought you Sleeping Beauty and Red Riding Hood]


Dysfunctional Fairytales #4: Rumplestiltskin  
Written & Re-Written by Kurisuta R. L. NightHawk  
Ah, welcome back my faithful readers.I see you are back for the forth Issue of Dysfunctional Fairytales. I applaud your good taste. Once again, I shall explain my point. The whole point of these stories is to adapt the fairytales to my likings. The story that we will be discussing today is an old favorite, that of Rumplestiltskin. The plotline is simple, but the characterizing is more complex in my opinion.  
This new style suits me well, so I will write this way from now on. Once again, I shall write the corrections and incorrections for that matter first and foremost,so as not to destroy story elements.So here goes, without further ado, I present to you, Dysfunctional Fairytale #4, Rumplestilskin.  
Once again, Once upon a time is getting old, so I won't use that. And first of all, let's leave his name as Rumplestiltskin, amazing huh? I'm leaving someone's name alone for once. Go figure.But the poor miller is not a miller afterall. He is an ex-IRS agent named Larry. And the miller has 3 daughters, Susana,Elaina,and Christyl.  
Now the whole part with the emperor guy wanting to marry the miller's most beautiful daughter actually did happen. But instead of locking her in the dungeon because she refused, the greedy emperor locks her in his office. And with the spinning straw to gold, no way. He only asked her to defragment his computer's system and to save all of his important files to disks.  
And this is where Rumplestiltskin comes in. He is not a straw-spinning evil little imp, he is a computer-programming little imp. And he does come to the palace. Now, since Susana is the most beautiful,she was chosen. So the little man strikes a deal with Susana. He says that he will do as the king requests in return for her first born child. Not exactly, Rumplestiltskin's charge is that he gets a full set of Pokemon cards for his troubles.  
And the part with guessing names is correct. I won't spoil the ending for you,so I will just let you find out for yourself. Enjoy the selection readers, and faithfully, as always, read on!  
  
A long long time ago, before any of us were born,even before your great aunt Esther with the mustache who smells of pickled-pigs-feet was born.......(no offense)  
There lived a retired IRS agent named Larry. Now Larry was an old man. He was living off of his pension plan and off social security claims. Larry had married young and she had died early. His wife, Ruby, had given him 3 wonderful daughters. They were, in order of birth, Christyl,Elaina,and,Susana.  
The youngest, Susana, was the prettiest daughter. She kept the family living clean and healthy. Susana took care of the small farm they lived on while her sisters sat around.  
And one day, Larry couldn't pay his parking ticket. He had parked illegally in a red zone after midnight on the third Saturday of the 9th month of the summer solstice while Venus,Jupiter,and Mars were in line with Uranus after running a red light and speeding 65 MPH in a 64 MPH zone.  
But anyway, the evil emperor knew this was deserving of a reprimand. This could not be dismissed. So, Emperor Short asked to see Larry in his court. And Larry showed up for his sentencing.His daughters all sat in the back of the room, listening. Christyl and Elaina were hoping he'd be killed, so they could have his money. (what there was of it, that was). Susana, on the other hand, had her fingers crossed. She wanted her father to be alright.  
The emperor was about to give Larry 700 hours of telemarketing service and make him watch old reruns of Seinfeld...but something changed his heart. The emperor's eyes fell upon Susana's long red hair and her bright blue eyes. He was instantly in love. And so, the emperor told Larry that he wanted the hand of his most beautiful daughter in exchange for his freedom.And Larry decided to sweeten the deal. He told the emperor that Susana was the greatest computer programmer in all the land.  
And Susana agreed, to save her father's mentality.She knew Seinfeld would make him go insane.And so it was, Susana married the Emperor.So, the emperor had some computer troubles. He wanted them solved. Susana could not, she was computer illiterate, but agreed anyway.And this is when the emperor locked her into his office. Emperor Short was not a monumental man of tall strength or of humungous wit. He was a stupid little guy, thus the name.  
Susana was locked away in the Emperor's office. She was to complete the task of defragmenting his hard drive and converting all of his important files into .zip files and then making back-up disks for every program.  
So Susana tried, but she couldn't even get the blasted machine to turn on.Susana had never even SEEN a computer, let alone HEARD of one.And this is where our little friend Rumplestiltskin comes into the story,saving the day.  
Susana began to cry,she was desperate.Then, she uttered the words that ruin every fairytale character's life soon as said. "I'd give ANYTHING........" and before she could finish, *poof* a small man appeared before her. His name was Rumplestiltskin, but she did not know this at this point in the story.  
The small man handed her his card. He was a computer-technician from "Rumm,Poolstult,& Sckyn's Computer technician's academy". The little man then told Susana that he would strike a deal with her. He told her that he collected Pokemon memorabilia.Susana told him he was in luck, she had the biggest card collection in all of the land.She was only missing the elusive "MEW" card. Rumplestiltskin told Susana that when he is finished,she must give him all of her cards.And when she gets her "MEW" card, he will be back for the full collection.  
Susana shook the small man's greasy hand and it was a deal.Rumplestiltskin did as the king had commanded.And when he was finished, Susana wrote him an I.O.U. for the cards.And with a *poof* of logic, The small man disappeared as mysteriously as he had come.And so,the emperor let Susana out of the office. And the two lived happily,for 5 years. The emperor and Susana were truly in love.   
And on Susana's 20th birthday, the emperor bought her the last card in her collection, the "MEW" card. Susana began to cry when she got it. The emperor figured it was from happiness,and left her in her room to look at her collection.  
*Poof* as soon as the door closed,the little man appeared again. He said hello to Susana and asked her, "Susana, do you remember our deal?" Susana nodded sadly and was about to hand over her card.She had grown to love the emperor and wanted to keep his gift. And so, the Empress thought up an ingenious way to weasel out of it.  
"Mr., if i were to guess your name, would you let me keep my collection?" she asked timidly.  
Rumplestiltskin thought for a moment..and then nodded,knowing she would never in a billion years guess his complex name. "Alright Empress,if you can guess my name by the time 'Temptation Island' comes on tonight,you may keep your cards." And the little man sat down,awaiting her guesses.  
Susana thought,she had studied the computer some,and learned how to use search engines. Susana guessed everything from Albert to Zacharias and from Benjamin to Yancy. She was running out of names.  
"You can give up whenever Empress.."the little man said as he leaned back and clicked on the TV. It was quarter to 8...only 15 minutes left to guess his name! And then 'FairyTale Land's Most Wanted' came on, Susana stopped to listen to it.  
The reporter began by showing a familiar picture of the little man..and then a few other pictures of the same man.They said things below them, other names that she had never heard. The names were those like "Pizza Delivery Boy", "Plumber", and stuff like that. And then, Susana heard his name.   
The reporter spoke. "This man, is Rumplestiltskin. He has been wanted for several centuries for Pokemon Card Rustling.Victims claim to do anything for their lives or freedom,and he appears.The man strikes deals and then weasels the victims into giving him Pokemon cards. He then sells the extras and keeps them all in mint condition,hoping to rule to PokeWorld! Beware viewers..bewa----" but the little man had switched off the TV.  
Susana looked at his card and sounded out the names.."Aha! I've got ya RUMPLESTILTSKIN!" and the little man shrieked. "Nooooo!! I always hated that name!! It's really Harold! Alright..keep your crumby card!" and as Susana uttered his name, it began to strike 9:00.  
Susana had won. She tied the little man up with the mouse cord from the PC and called the TV station. They came out and filmed.The cops then locked Rumplestiltskin away in "FairyTale Land State Penn". As for Susana, she and the emperor lived mostly happily ever after,and had many children. Susana also kept her card collection,passing it from generation to generation.  
But what happened to Rumplestiltskin? You might ask..as far as I know, he now shares a cell with The Big Bad Wolf and an inmate named 'Tiny' who isn't so Tiny. but that's to the extent of my knowledge.  
THE END  
  
If you enjoyed that story,please feel free to read my others!  
Dysfunctional Fairytale #1-Little red Riding Hood  
Dysfunctional Fairytale #2-Snow White  
Dysfunctional Fairytale #3-Sleeping Beauty  
And Coming Soon!!!  



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